Saturday, 23 June 2018

midsummertime sadness

In contrast to this, I wanted to write about a bout of summertime sadness that surfaced this week. Because even though I'm still happy about summer and excited about all the tiny things I have planned, I have layers and I'm also feeling sad. Maybe it isn't summer related at all, but that's how it started.

Yesterday I was happy to be spending Midsummer alone at home, watching football. Until I saw people I know post about their bonfires and time spent with friends and family on social media. I used to spend all my Midsummers as a child with my best friend and her extended family, waiting all night for the bonfire, eating campfire foods, getting up to all kinds of strange childhood mischief. I haven't cared for Midsummer as much after I stopped being part of that and we didn't have any real family Midsummer traditions or I just don't know of them because I was never there. Seeing others' Midsummer activities just filled me with a longing for those times and made me feel sad this year. Sad for not having some of those people from way back then in my life anymore, sad for not really being part of a family - whether that be my own or someone else's, sad for living in a city where I know nobody, sad for not having much going on in my life, sad for not being well enough. I still feel sad, not as overwhelmingly as yesterday, but still sad.

This is not what my feelings are like often. Most of the time I really enjoy being on my own, doing my own thing. But now it's somehow feeling like it's not an option I can choose like before but an inevitable status quo. And a lot of that has to do with my health being poorer than usual this whole year so far, resulting in more bedridden days than ever and me not being able to enjoy that alone time by doing things I like and usually engage myself in. So, while I had planned to have a summer at home enjoying the little things in life, it has been a summer of just staying home alone. And "at home" hasn't included adventuring in my city or doing much else. It seems I'm stuck between everything not being as good as it used to be and everything not getting better for the future. I wasn't able to go back to my mum's to spend a Midsummer reminiscent of the past (something like this or this). I wasn't able to be in London either for an interview to build for the future (so instead I digged out these old photos of my London favourite, Regent's Park). Thinking about summers past with nostalgia and also seeing others still spending their summers like that certainly did not help in making my current state feel so empty.

Honestly, this is not meant to be a "oh, I feel sorry for myself, you should feel sorry for me too" post. Because I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is just reality at the minute and it's good to recognize that I am maybe not in a good place in my life right now. Which is something I had not considered before. While it's okay to feel sad, I also see this as an opportunity to get better and plan for the rest of the year. We're half-way through it after all. So after I'm done with feeling sad, I'm going to see what I can change. And focus on the things that can be changed instead of those that I have no control over. Which is a good thing to keep in mind for anyone. I have a tendency for being nostalgic about the past, and longing for things to be like they used to. But I think identifying the things from the past that were loved and are missed the most and implementing them into the present is much more helpful than wallowing in nostalgia and thinking everything is miserable now. Especially since not everything is miserable now. I'm just going to be sad for a while before I fully want to find, see and experience the happier and more exciting things in this summer and in this life.

Kind of gutted I never posted these pictures at the time, but better late than never. Here's a bonus baby-Laura:


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