Saturday, 7 December 2013

daddy


I can't really remember ever talking about my dad on the blog. I might be wrong, but in general I don't talk about him a lot. Sometimes it's because I can physically feel the awkwardness it causes to other people when you casually mention your father is dead ("Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.." "Oh, it's fine! Nothing to be sorry about!" "..."), sometimes it's because I still don't feel like talking about it. Most of my friends never met my dad so they don't know what he was like and I can't talk about him with them. And my semi-dysfunctional family hardly ever mentions him either, so at times I strongly feel like he's being forgotten about and I hate that. Because I still do remember everything like it was yesterday. I remember how I stopped going to the hospital as seeing the cancer literally eating up my father and him getting so weak was too much for me. I remember mum coming home from the hospital with dad's suitcase and myself asking if he was coming home. I remember the look on her face, and holding my sobbing mother in my arms. I remember my teacher telling about his death to my whole class the next day and how most of them thought it was a joke. I remember how much everyone cried and I didn't. I also remember the night I first cried about dad's death years and years after it all happened. And I remember the first time I couldn't remember what he looked like and how shocked that made me. Remembering it all can be so painful, but after all the memories are all that I have. It's been 11 years today. The 7th December is always the hardest for me and today I cannot believe how much I miss having a father.


It's also my mum's cousin's funeral today. He was my favourite of all her cousins (my mum actually has so many cousins that I haven't met even half of them), and I'm really disappointed in myself for not making the effort to be there. All in all, it's been a pretty forlorn day.

17 comments :

Corinne said...

Doom, this kind of made me cry and I am supposed to be going out very soon - must reapply mascara. This really hit me hard because I lost my aunt to cancer very recently and it was horrible. The part where you mentioned holding your sobbing mum in your arms just broke my heart. That's such a sad sad sad image. Your poor mother, poor you!

I'm really sorry for your loss. Even though it happened a long time ago, it's probably still very painful. Only 6 more hours left in today, then hopefully the world will feel a little less heavy for you.

<3

Love,
Corinne x

London Loafers said...

This post was very very touching. I'm almost at a loss for words, I've never really seen a blogger express such personal thoughts and pain before. "Oh it's fine! Nothing to be sorry about!" Can I still feel sorry for you and your mum? One of my cousins died of cancer last summer. We found out she was sick in June and were told she only had a few months left to live, 2 weeks later she died and suddenly "a few months to live" sounded like a luxury. Anyway...
Hope the rest of your December is filled with joy and merriment and happier times and thoughts!

Hayfa
www.londonloafers.com

Gail J said...

I am so sorry about your lost but hey You are not alone :) I lost my ex bf in the accident as well. It was hard (very) at first but life moves on ! I always here for you dear :) xx

Optimistic Existentialist said...

This was beautifully written and I thank you so much for sharing. It's always bittersweet when writing a remembrance but it can also be cathartic.

Rick Watson said...

I love old photographs. The Hipstamatic app on my iPhone can make photos resemble that. I love the effect.
Rick

Kelly-Ann Maddox said...

<3 This post made me feel big things. Thank you for being open about your experiences and for writing in such a touching and profound way about something so personal.

Tea For Two

AVY said...

Sorry to hear, I sort of know the feeling. It gets easier somehow, more distant, but the fear is always there.

/Avy

http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

daniela kate morosini said...

beautiful girl! lovely, heartfelt writing. so sorry for your loss - but this is a lovely tribute xx

mochaccinoland said...

my condolences to you & your family.

xoxo

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I wish I could hug you. Since I can't just please know you and your family are in my thoughts, and I am so sorry for both of these losses.

Holly said...

I'm so, so sorry. Big hugs to you and your family. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a father so young. That image of your sobbing mother really broke my heart.

Always here if you want to talk <3

Hena Tayeb said...

I can't even imagine..
Those are some lovely pictures and I'm sure you have some wonderful memories of him.. it may be hard and awkward to talk about it but it is always good to do so anyway.. it helps keep his memories alive.. take care.

Marisa Noelle said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through over the years. He looks like such a lovely man just through the couple photos that you've posted. Your words are beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Sending hugs your way darling <3

Ashley said...

I've wondered because you've talked about your mom a lot, but not your father. And I don't know what it's like to lose a father but my heart is still with you right now. Because well, you're my friend. <3

Manhattan Image and Style said...

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. He sounds like a wonderful man. Your words are beautiful!


Diana
www.ManhattanImageandStyle.com
New Outfit Idea Post: Soft Torn Tones

Ourdestination said...

ooo <3

Laura said...

Corinne - ahh, i hope you still had a good night, honey! thank you so much for your lovely words and i'm still really sorry for your loss too! xx

Hayfa - so sorry to hear about your cousin, love! two weeks is so short a time.. but thank you so much for your kind words! x

Gail J - thank you so much, gail doll! i'm sorry to hear that, but it's true that life moves on (although sometimes you feel like it shouldn't) xx

Optimistic Existentialist - thank you for reading, friend! and that is very true:-) x

Rick - i love old photos too, hon! x

Kelly-Ann Maddox - thank you for your lovely comment, sweets! x

Avy - yeh, it gets easier but it's not something you ever get over with, hun:-) x

daniela kate morosini - thank you, petal! xx

mochaccinoland - thank you, chick! xx

Krysten - thank you very much, lovely! xx

Holly - thank you so much, holly pet! very much appreciated:-) xx

Hena Tayeb - i know, now that i've started talking about it, maybe it won't be that hard to open up about it anymore.. thank you, hen! x

Marisa Noelle - thank you so much, darling! he was a lovely man, but complicated too.. xx

Ashley - ah, thank you so much, sweetie, for your lovely words! xx

Diana - thank you, dove! x

Ourdestination - :-) <3